Mystic Experiences with Angelic Human Beings
First Love at first sight
Correspondence with God
The ‘successful failure’ of a singles ad
Little Angel Girl with her Pebble Stones of Heaven
Little Pretty Baby with the Smile of Heaven
First Love at first sight
At the sweet age of 13, before my little Soul became exposed to the evils of the human factor, my pure unadulterated Heart was pierced by the wrath of the arrows of Cupid. Suddenly, I was exposed to this angel of flesh and blood that instantly became my love, my very first love at first sight, my first female love of my life. This Arrow of Cupid for another human Soul was true love for a spiritual mate since my hormones had not been initiated in the search for a female date. Four decades after this first encounter of love at first sight I still remember every detail, how the arrow of passion pierced my physical heart, without showing any compassion or mercy to the sanity of my Heart. Human beings had suddenly, and without any warning, thrown my little innocent Soul into the cold waters of passionate fire, by seating me right next to ‘Little Angel Girl’, during a test, to enter a mixed school, containing this new element in my life called female. After many years in the boys-only school I suddenly was no longer in male Mars, but was rather on Earth, with my vulnerable non-immunized little Soul exposed to a world with Venus. I surely must have been already a genius at that early time of my life for passing the exam, since I cannot understand how on earth I could have concentrated to answer any scholarly questions, while having this ‘Angel’ of Heaven right next to me, requesting the full attention of all the intelligence of my brain and Heart. As I sat down next to the angel, and looked at the vision of this new divine being in my life, I was bewildered by this awesome beautiful heavenly creature of innocent purity, with long brown golden hair, looking at me with these beautiful angelic large eyes, smiling at me, with this most adorable lovely smile, melting my Heart with the Spirit of her pure Divine Innocent Heart. As I met the Soul of the Angel, through her beautiful eyes, immediately I turned my eyes away from Little Angel Girl, in self-defense, into my own autistic being, for I instantly became scared to death, to such a ‘menacing’ being. My restless heart pounded away the flight and fight hormones, released by my fear for Little Angel Girl, who suddenly had become the immediate threat to my mental sanity and the spiritual stability of my Soul and Heart. How much I feared this beautiful smiling little girl of this most gorgeous awesome pure Divine Heavenly Beauty. Oh God of my Heart! Heavenly Feeling of pure delight, if I could only freeze forever that moment of Divine Loving Sight! Here I was, next to the most beautiful adorable girl that I saw and may ever see in my life, knocking at my door, with the Smile of Heaven, inviting me to come into this new Paradise of Ecstasy, and adore love pure female Child Mother Love, with the Spirit of the Heart of the Love of this Paradise of my Angel of Heaven in my Heart!
Thirty years later, I would learn that my heavenly neighbor was the daughter of a priest, and thus I could clearly see that Little Angel Girl had surely been well instructed in the art of the Angels. Today I still love this young child female angel, and the feeling of love that I experienced that yesterday, still lives with me today, for tomorrow, to remember and cherish the sweet memories of what was my past cast innocent Heart. I never spoke even one single word to my heavenly classmate, during 2 full years, since I was scared to death to come into contact for a close encounter with this female kind. This heavenly creature was the first Spirit to expose my Soul to that fear of pain for women that would haunt me over many decades, for my Soul knew that in the morrow, the female factor was to be a source of great sorrow (CW). I was ‘tortured’ by the beautiful presence of the Little Angel Girl during two years, until she suddenly was disappeared from my life, and into the history of this section. Little Angel Girl was replaced by my second love at first sight, which was eventually replaced by my third love at first sight, that was replaced by the fourth, and so forth, until the end was Come with the Woman of the Heart (CW). Was there some any-one to come to have some fun under the sun to become one for one through a passion with Venus? It was the One who took me by the hand to make me understand that I was reserved for the Passion of Jesus…
PS: since I do not have a picture of the beautiful young girl of the school that was so important in my life, I show here pictures of my beautiful mother, when she was about 13 years old, to give the lector an idea of the beauty that illuminates my path, and show what its like to encounter a love at first sight.
Correspondence with God
Going through my diary, written in the late 80’s, I came upon interesting texts including my correspondence with God that I decided to present herein to show the status of my thoughts and my relationship with God before I started to have mystic experiences with the Spiritual World. This original text, written in english, like the following one below, I do not present in the spanish version, because I see that some texts, like most poems, cannot be translated from the original version.
The most important frustrations in my life, in the 80s and early 90s, that blocked my happiness, were the lack of success in my music project, the absence of a female partner that would fill my lonely Heart, the suffering of undiagnosed physical illnesses, and the realization that I was not happy with my scientific profession in the field of virology, knowing that my Soul was brought to this world for another purpose: to use all my talents in many fields to eliminate the suffering of animals throughout the world. Thus, below I present a few things related to my past relationship with God and with females, only in the original english language:
I still need my two demonstrations my Lord and well you know what they are: my music, which is my profession, and my lady, which is my love. I know that it will be done, sooner than later, but how come, you have not yet Come? Even if I have to sacrifice my life, let me do what I have to do, don’t let me down, don’t let me go, without fulfilling the goal of my Soul in this World of my Heart. Help me be fruitful, to bring about the good fruit of your works in my Heart. Help me help. Help! God of my Love. Patience Robert, be patient. Haven’t you heard My Word? But Lord, behold, even if I am told, I cannot longer hold. It is my health that’s not my wealth and the weakness of my strength; come, be my Health, with All my Wealth, in my Heart.
Everything is so difficult in my life. I have had too many disappointments in my life, not even one wife. Why don’t you bring some appointments? Don’t abandon me on my own alone. I am sick and thus not happy. Being not happy makes me sick, which makes me not happy, which makes me sick: Lord of my Heart, come into my body and feed my Soul to make me whole to return my health that is my wealth in the Heart of your Love. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned against my health that is not my wealth. We are still not communicating very well, thus I am a little in Hell, you are not answering my prayers, to live a life under Your Spell. I have recently not cried again for I am scared of getting sick again. I will not cry again, and get sick, for I have been sick, and I am sick again. I do not need additional sickness in my life and be sick again. Forgive me if I have sinned against my body and against my fellow creature, it is also not easy for them, all other little creatures that are innocent in the pain of the Lord. We are all on a tough ride in troubled waters. Console our suffering, Lord of my Love.
My prayers to you have not been answered. You appear now and then with these great physical peak experiences, they feel good, I feel good, but I just still don’t understand your Heart. Why are you Why? No response, none, not one, whatsoever. Where is my music? Where is my woman? Where is my happiness? I have not asked for the riches of the world, but only the simple things, to fulfill the simple desires of my Heart. I am sad, I am mad and thus I feel bad. Should I try the hedonistic approach of pleasure in life? Maybe the French King was right with his philosophy of ‘après moi le déluge’. The world is going down anyway, so let’s grab as much as we can, as long as it lasts, and have a big party. Should I just take the pleasures of sex, rock and roll, drugs, alcohol, lots of food, live on eternal vacations, with no less than all my excess? Am I forgetting anything? Don’t forget your song: ‘Living in excess’ (Straight is the trait). I’m down, I’m really down, under ground. As for me, the world can go all to hell. A big explosion would do quite nicely.
Never say never, but maybe sometimes it might be better to say never in order to find another ever. Maybe I should just pack my bags and leave this dream to find another Dream with the Lord. The lack of my dream makes me sick. Why would you loose someone who wants to work for you? Maybe you do not interfere in human affairs. Or is my music enough only for your ears? Help me understand or else I will leave this cruel land. Answer me: today, not tomorrow, for I need to leave my sorrow. Today, I just do not want to talk about anything. Life is an endless end of endings, with no beginnings. There is this pretty girl at work; I like her a lot, again her name I forgot, but I do not care to say anything, for if I do nothing, or anything, nothing will happen, and if I do something, nothing will happen anyway; so why do anything, if nothing is already there? Why do you want me to remain single? You know that your hormones don’t leave me alone to live alone with a peace in my Heart. You know that I am not strong in matters of the heart. Don’t break my Heart. I want what I want, you know what I want: I want, I want, I want! Everything! And now! Robert, I Want you. Do I have to live a full life, die and then learn? Why are you so stubborn? Why am I so stubborn? It proves it does not improve, so why not get over with it, and find a new reality in the realms of the world? Remove me from my mediocrity, my Lord, and I shall seek you in other realms of reality of a Spiritual World. Find Me, I Am, always with thee, my little Robert of my Heart.
I am alone, and I am not happy, for I carry myself. I still have faith, and you have not yet crucified me. So many people suffering pain. Why don’t you stop everything, so those in pain will not have to suffer more pain? Why do innocents have to suffer pain? So that the guilty may enjoy? Why do the bad guys enjoy and the good guys suffer? Suffer for me for I suffer for you. There is no justice in this world; do you have another world, with more justice for all? Let me move into your other world with Justice for All. Those that enjoy this one, can keep this one, I just don’t care anymore.
Dear God, you are making me loose my faith. Why don’t you come and tell me you do not exist? Do not blame pain on humans. We are only humans, You are God. If you do not like how we are, change us, or remove us from your world. I am sick of being sick. Why do you make me sick? Do you make me sick so that others may be healthy? Do you make me sad so that others may be glad? Why is everything so unjust? Is it all only strictly business? Or only a chemical reaction? Why should I write nice to you, if you are not nice to me? It has been many years of suffering. The end of this ending is near, I really do not fear. Hear my dear, Jesus is here. You are running out of time. I AM Time, All is Mine, and in my right time, I shall Repay.
I am not as angry today as I was yesterday, but I am still very angry. My anger hurts my liver and my heart. I am having problems with my liver. Is it an hepatic carcinoma, or cancer in my brain? Is it another stuck stone in my gall bladder? Please, no more operations and hospitals! I will have to do some tests. Do you plan to take me to the hospital, to produce additional pains? I shall keep fighting for my health, even if I don’t find any wealth, until my death does me depart. Alone as usual, fighting against the evil knocking at my door. It’s not going to be easy to take me out and put me away. If God is against me, who can be for me? My Robert Bobby boy, you are quite angry today. I have a reason, it is called resentment that destroys the Spirit of the Heart. Resentment against everything because everything seems to be against me, and thus I feed everything against me, to destroy the Soul of my Heart. Patience my child, I Am at your side; I Am with you and you are with Me, forever, my little Child of my Heart.
Is my pain your pain? My suffering your suffering? My pleasure your pleasure? What pleasure would I thus transmit to you if I had the female love of my Heart? Poor women who are not loved by men. I shall sing for them and make them happy, that they shall release tears of joy. I will sing for the ugly, the sick and the weak, to make them happy full of joy. For my evergreen music I have received no reactions, from no one my Lord. I am still writing letters to You, but I do not know for how long. If you do not write back, maybe soon I will stop writing. Do I have to do everything alone on my own? Not a single record company has shown interest in your songs. No more Christian lyrics, until further notice, my Lord. It has played and is playing back against me, to leave me with nothing in this world. Patience my child, you will sing the Songs of my Heart.
I am sick and tired about the female ordeal. You are not sending me anything there either. You are against it and I shall have no more. First I will have to become a rock and roll celebrity star, so I can then go shopping. I will buy something very expensive and very pretty and thus I’ll have lots of fun with the material girl thats not like a virgin. Who said that money can’t buy you love? How sad this is that it is like this all. I’ll just keep on keeping on. It is not fair that you won’t dare my Lord. Why do you make this world unfair? Will I never taste the love of a woman? Is not love what you created, and what you want, and what you are? Don’t you want your children to love and be loved? What crime have I committed to deserve this fate? I realize I am already too late. I think I will compose Why (Why). I need to ask you Why. Why are you Why. Don’t loose me. I don’t want to get lost. Wake me up when it’s all over. Why are you why the way you are? Because it is there? Help me see what I need to see, say what I ought to say, and hear what I have to hear. Leave the past to the past by letting the dead bury the dead. Robert my dear, trust your future.
Insomnia woke me up. I suffer and hate insomnia. She is getting on my nerves. Or are my nerves getting me insomnia? My health has been very poor. My stomach, my intestines, my liver are all very angry with me. They do not like what my mind is thinking. Please mind, please calm down, everything is fine. Do not make your body sick. You need your body to love somebody. Soothe it, love it, care for it, for it is the only one you have. Forgive me for I have sinned against my body, and against the Body of God.
I am no longer interested in being president at work, or president of the country, now I am interested in being president of the world. What does the future hold? I wish I could rewind fast forward. Life is full of total dull. I am always sick and my depression is getting worse. People make me sick and I am becoming more alienated from them nasty human beings with no love. I adore the animals in the wild, cows love me and kiss me and the birds are my music. I have seen some doctors. Where is the doctor? I am a doctor. Now I need to be a musician. Do it, for you were also made to be a musician for the Lord.
I have been, and am sick again. I have been in the hospital for all kinds of tortures. They removed biopsies from my stomach, duodenum and colon. They are analyzing a polyp that I presume will be benign. Don’t worry, be happy, you will be fine. I have not been able to convince my body that everything is fine. My weight is down to 69. Still I have to go down another 1 kg, to be as slim as Mick, to get prepared for the rock and roll concerts. In any case, Mick is in advantage, because he is 50, thus I have 8 more years to catch up, or rather catch down, with my weight, to be in shape for the rock concerts. I have become lactose intolerant, and that means no more chocolate. Is life worth living without cookies and chocolate? Are you also going to take away sex out from my life? (Indeed, many years later, as I edit this text, I have been celibate for 20 years!). As John used to sing: ‘What have I done to deserve such a fate, I realize I have left it too late’. I should write my memoirs and use as a title the song of John: ‘I’m a looser‘. I am showing the first signs of maturity, physical that is, but I decided not to age anymore. I will only allow my hairs (the ones I still have) to turn gray, the color of wisdom. Although I could write a whole chapter on my visit to the hospital, I shall not describe the wrath of the scalpel, the ugly horrendous anesthesia, the awful pain, the nightmarish human-induced urinary tract infection, and the rest of the works of suffering of the inhuman kind. As I write today my diary, I still have to overcome a crazy 10-day diazepan resistant insomnia, that almost made me crazy (PS: such a thing eventually killed Michael Jackson). However, I did beat Mick, for I am down at 66 kg. I am now eating again; my holidays in Biafra are over.
Birds of same feather gather together. Have I found my way back home? Where the Heart is? I am working on this dutch 21-year old awesome beauty. She is playing very hard to get, and seems to be too expensive. I think I will drop her anyway, for she is too old, I mean too young, for the wish of my Soul. Selection is strong but maybe there is still hope for my anxious genes that scream for all that I have seen. I am only scared that You will want me All for Yourself. But it is this hormone thing, like a wild thing, that makes my heart sing, that does not allow me to feast as a priest, without the beast, in the Heart of my Love Thing. She is an angel and an Angel is what I want, I want, I want, I want! Do you understand? I want you, and you have My Angel I want for you. It seems it is time to set this human angel free. I will put them females on ice for a while. Looks like at last, at least for a while, I have freed myself from them females. Why Lord do you send me an angel if it does not carry a message that is meant for my Heart? She was like an Angel come from Heaven that came to show me the Paradise that I could not have. Why do you torture me ma Lord? Showing me Heaven without letting me in? Oh Lord, do not forsake me, deliver me once and for all. Give me this wonder of wonders, this beauty of beauties, that I love want and I want for the Love of my Heart. Commit Yourself to me, and I shall commit myself to You. Invest in me, and I shall return my investment in You. Believe in Me and I shall believe in you. I am yours, you are mine, for ever, my Heart is Thine.
Angels of my Heart, where art thou in my Heart? I know that thou art, so why not be part of my art and my Heart? Come, don’t break my Heart. I am sick again. Again? I have a headache. My stomach hurts and my digestion is a mess, I might have ulcers again; my allergies are killing me and I am dead worried about my health that never has been my wealth and the strength of my Heart. God, do something my Lord, let me be strong in matters of the Spirit. I have had very nice experiences with nature. Gaia is always loving good to me. She loves me much and very much. What else can I say? There is not much I want to say. I need some excitement in my life. Be patient and not a patient. I want all everything now! Come into my dreams, and make my dreams come true. I want to fly again, and see Angels of Heaven. A few days ago I saw in a dream a Being of Light, flying above me, with huge wings like a bird, with many wonderful colors of a rainbow. After this New Year I will be ready for new action. Maybe in New Year I will be a little naughty my Lord. Do not abandon me Lord if I abandon You for another little while. You are the Lord, I am only human. Help me face the faith to see the Face of God to make me a Messenger of Love. I wait for the Lord. I Am with you always, until the end of times.
The ‘successful failure’ of a singles ad
The text story below is part of my continuing saga to find the female soul mate that was never found. Here I include a few samples of a solo performance, with my guitar and a drum machine, which took place in 1990, in the University of California and some songs from the CD PanGaia that I produced in The Netherlands (section X).
I had left behind the United States and with it my search for the American Dream Girl that I never found during the years that I had lived in the new world. Once in the ‘old world’, I was in a new world, feeling that maybe in the Netherlands, in the land of my forefathers, with women of dutch genes, flesh and blood, as myself, I would have a new beginning to find the woman still missing in my Heart. I had lost the boat of the student single scene; my job in the international scene did not bring a single date; and my night bar disco hopping was only establishing a lonely frustrated Heart. As a last resort I placed an advertisement in the newspaper, and responded to a few singles ads, but helaas, I was simply not seen, in the single scene, even if I sang, like JB, as a ‘sex machine’ (Strait is the Trait). Below I share a response to a singles ad, that I had written for the sake of fun, and for the sake of literary exercise, and that I knew would never be answered. Forgive me, if I write herein, a little naughty, but I cannot hide the truth of my past, and the sarcastic secrets that I had, in the confines of my Heart:
‘Dear number xxx: Greetings. Your smart fun ad with your text ‘catch me if you can’, aroused my primitive animal hunting instincts. Saturday mornings, I occasionally amuse myself browsing the typical ‘highly descriptive’ dutch singles ads, such as: ‘Woman who likes good things in life seeks man to do nice things together.’ I wondered what chance of success would that woman have of finding the ‘Enchanted Prince’ of her life with such a comprehensive portrait of herself and that of her future mate, since two years ago, my extensive high profile ad, seeking a woman under 32, produced 2 responses: one from a 42-year old female, and one from a homo male. Nevermore! I said to myself, but here I am again, proving the never say never refrain, with the ‘one last time’, in search of that Miss that I miss, to reach heavenly bliss, in the sky. For all the lonely people I feel a little sad and thus I sing along to ‘all the lonely people’ that share my lonely heart (Eleanor Rigby).
Please allow me to introduce myself, maybe as I’m a king bee baby, or I’m a man of many names (Cover Jam). I faintly remember that during my toddler days I was addressed as ‘nicht weinen’, but soon I became Bobby, for my family and friends, a name of a little boy, which is what I was, and still am. My Argentine passport indicated I was Roberto van Kuyk, but years later, my USA resident card named me Robert van Kuyk; once in the Netherlands, my Dutch passport indicated that I was Robert van Kuijk; however, research into my ancestral roots discovered that my name may be written as Robert van Cuijk, being from Land van Cuijk, and that as a direct descendant of Count van Cuijk, I could demand my rent as owner of all these my vast lands, as well as my ancestral rights for all the virgins of the county. In my work I am known as ‘RvK’, and the music industry addresses me as PanGaia; thus, I am a little dazed and confused (Zeppelín Jam).
Nací en Buenos Aires, meine deutsche Mutter en mijn nederlandse vader, viven en Punta del Este in Uruguay. Meus irmaos moram no Rio de Janeiro, et je voudrais habiter sur la Côte d’Azur. I currently live in Nederland, but I feel to be in Eendenland (duckland), since feeding its ducks is my favorite pastime, was my first conscious experience that I remember at the age of 4, and as part of my coat of arms, high I fly, to seek a Bird with the Word with the Spirit of the Lord in my Heart (Blackbird).
In the present, as I analyze my past, I do not know my future. I did not get, yet, my third doctoral degree, but became a veterinary doctor, who cannot see blood, a genetics PhD research scientist, who will not use animals for research, to become a scientific editor, to eventually write to save creatures of this world. I am a frustrated singer songwriter, with a passion and talent to compose music. Critiques from all the press have written that my PanGaia is a world class act à la Gabriel, but the stupid commercialassed business human factor will not yield to my yearning. Maybe a major career move would establish my success, where it truly belongs, but at this time, I still refuse to die, because it is yet, not my time of dying. Some say I should become a writer, but others suggest I should lecture; I am a Spiritual-Gaia Consciousness activist, wanting to be a philanthropist, to help all the animals of this world. Thus, I am still dazed and confused and I want to come together and play with you (Come Together).
Forgive me for not sending you the requested photograph, but as for physical appearances may concern, I can state, to any mate, that woman stare at me more than the norm. I hate when men do this also. It appears thus, that I am, per definition, attractive. This means that I am either very ugly, pretty, or charismatic. It’s in the eyes of the beholder, and not in the be holder’s eyes. I must confess that I am overweight, as I had never been before, but fast I will fast so fast that fast I will loose them extra few hundred grams. My intense fiery thoughts from my brain have burned out most of my hair, but these same hormones assure me I am still fit for a long standing affair.
I try to stay far away from those who torment me, however unsuccessfully. Please do not hurt me, for I am innocent from the suffering of my pain. I am a fundamentalist, that like the Angel of the Lord, will not forgive your sins, for you will pay with an eye for an eye, a life for a life, reaction to your action, the consequence of your sin. I hate when you smoke into my house and for this sin you shall pay with your life: as alternative deterrence to the nicotine sin, Adolf could be cloned, sensitized to nicotine for allergic reactions, made director of the worldwide anti-smoking program and granted a big budget to establish many concentration camps, to remove-contain the spreading cancer of nicotine. Hear my dear, on this smoking fear, do I make myself clear?
Nature is my leisure and sports are another measure of my pleasure. The fact of the matter is that many of the latter I have imprinted on my genes through many years of blood, sweat and (muscle) tears. More than 20 sports became the target of my talent, from my success in the art of chess, measured against a grandmaster, to beating the buts of black belts of Tae-kwon-do grand masters; I have beaten them all, and I can hit a ball, with anything I recall. I will flow in the wind on the waters of the earth, and ski my way down the sloping hills showing the mountains the beauty of my skills. No one has ever beaten me in deck tennis with the ring, for truly I am, a Lord of the Ring. I challenge the world to challenge me to the all-round 20-sportaclon tournament, for I need a comeback on track, without hurting my back, and win yet another trophy (CW).
For this and for that, I have been accused of being a hypochondriac; I wonder why, for I do have all these diseases that I don’t know what they are. I always conceive that I have AIDS, but I have tested many times HIV negative, for I worked with the mean nasty virus for many years, cheating me to think I was positive. EBV seems to live in me happily ever after, and have not characterized what other viruses, bacteria, fungi, and other fauna, share my body. Will we eventually exchange any strains? I might suffer self-diagnosed manic-depressive disorder, and thus, it is in my order to endure the blows of the lows after I fly in my creative highs. This is part of all your fault. Few men in this world reach the goal of happiness and success: I’d rather be successful than happy and thus my success might have to sacrifice your love. I need to do what I need to do; I need you, but also need to need you, to do what I need to do. A McCartney is happy and successful; my Edgar was unhappy and successful; the unknown Indian peasant is happy but seems to be unsuccessful; the problem is: to be or not to be, unhappy and unsuccessful.
My love life has no love life. My first girlfriend abandoned me after being together 1 day, when she came to the conclusion I had not enough brains to become a success to support her material desires. My second girlfriend dumped me after one week, when she came to the conclusion that I would not make her the wife of a rock and roll superstar. My third and last girlfriend abandoned me after 1 month, when she came to the conclusion that I would not make her a millionaire. All the other females rejected me before knowing my name, when they came to the conclusion that I was not interesting, or did not have big muscles in their brains. Did I run into the wrong women? Or were they, all, just ‘a little bit, full of shit’? Was Elvis maybe right, when he sang ‘you look like an Angel, you walk and talk like an Angel, but you’re a devil in disguise’, without God in the Heart (Hurt). Woman I did not win, for the cause of my own sin, when my eyes fooled my Spirit into wrong beauty. Still, my Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Where art thou my Heart? Y R U 0 to tie a knot? Selection is strong, but I do not want to be wrong. Will my lust get lost in the dust? Maybe I am ‘that boy’, to become the toy of your joy (That boy).
The woman I am looking for, has to have all of the following attributes: 1) the pure Heart of Saint Bernadette of Lourdes; 2) the compassionate Heart of Saint mother Theresa; 3) the passion Heart of Saint Jeanne d’Arc; 4) the empathic Heart of Saint Florence Nightingale; 5) the hard-working intelligence of Saint Madame Curie; 6) the physical beauty of a Romy Schneider; 7) the voice of Celine Dion; 8) the music virtuosity of a Vanessa Mae; 9) the athletic skills of a Nadia Comaneci; 10) the political and oratory charisma of Evita Perón; 11) the aristocratic good manners of Queen Beatrix; 12) the fortune of Queen Elizabeth; 13) and the power of Cleopatra.
Do you have all these requirements to qualify for the job? Do not believe my ‘true lies’; coming to thought for what I sought, in my current desperate despair, I have reduced my requirements significantly: human, with 2 X chromosomes, normal levels of estrogen, 37±1C, > 50 kg, older than 18 (so they don’t put me in jail), will do quite nicely, to cover my needs of love.
[PS: Ten years after having written this letter, in search for a woman in my life, I must confess herein that I would choose as my soul-mate Love Saint Therese (Who stole my Soul)]
“Fou de vous” I remain yours, and ask “Who stole my Soul” in the music of PanGaia (Fous de vous). Will you look within my art in the Heart of PanGaia? I do not bite, not even at night, for I am close to the Light, with the Spirit of God in my Heart. Will you catch me if you can? The probability that you are the love of my life is 0.0001%; that you will become my girlfriend: 0.0005%; that we will exchange strains: 0.008%; that you will be my friend: 0.05%; that you will call: 0.5%; that you will read this letter: 99 %. Thus, the numbers seem to be playing against us; but one more thing, I want to sing: I believe in miracles and I hope you (are a miracle) too. A Saint I am looking for, and a Saint I will find, in a Woman with a Heart that will always love the Pure Love of the Spiritual Heart.
Before I leave, I do believe, that I need to state, to any mate, the good fortune of my health, and the future of my wealth, for what is written, so it may be done. Come, let’s have some fun, even if we have little sun, in the low lands of beautiful Netherlands. High I fly, not always realistic, but I am optimystic, for the breakthrough is near, this is what I hear; forgive me my dear, for being here so sincere. You have triggered this letter to let loose my inspiration, I thus enclose for you a special gift for enduring the torture of my appreciation. You are very lovely, like a flower in the fields, and hope that you will find, forever, the true man of your dreams’. (Strawberry Fields )
Little Angel Girl with her Pebble Stones of Heaven
My first and last real girlfriend had dumped me, after a brief relationship of a couple of months, when the ‘material girl’, that was not ‘like a virgin’, realized I would never make her a millionaire (CW). This reprehensible behavior of the material human factor, in someone I thought was a true love, and a best friend, triggered the release of chemicals in my brain that made very sick with the disease of depression. A chronic secretion of ‘depresines’ flooded my brain insane that intoxicated my body, into a moody black hole, to make me suffer one of my darkest hours. Although I was on Christmas vacation, in one of the most beautiful beach resorts in the world, with some of the most beautiful women in the world, visiting my family and my best friends, my stupid melancholy was present with me everywhere, at all times, spoiling every moment of what became a miserable life in the darkness of a chemical depression of hell. I was very sick with the blues of depression, and no blue sky, beautiful women, sports in the beach, family love, positive thinking literature, or any other beautiful thing, could bring me back to my senses, to the normal reality of at least a standard contented life.
One afternoon, I was lying on the beach on the sand, under the sun, alone on my own, doing nothing but think and indulge in my ‘useless’ depression. Suddenly, out from the blues, appeared a beautiful ‘little girl’, about 4 years old, that was standing right in front of me, looking at me, straight in my eyes, with her gorgeous little beautiful happy smiling eyes! I wondered from where had the little girl come from, since other visitors of the beach, where her parents might have been, where as far as 100 meters away. I still remember very well, the beautiful and lovely ‘little girl’, with golden lock hairs and tender blue eyes, that looked at me, as if knowing that I needed to be pampered by an Angel of God, to console my suffering Spirit with her Spirit of Love! I was surprised to see when the Golden Angel Girl suddenly placed on the sand, right next to me, an assortment of beautiful pebble stones! After leaving for me the pebble stones, the beautiful girl left me, while I remained lying in the sand, still very depressed, doing nothing but indulge in my ugly depression. Soon I was surprised again by the sudden Apparition of the little Golden Angel Girl, that was come back with more loving little pebble stones! Little Golden Angel Girl left for me on the sand her gift of assorted pebble stones and then disappeared again, leaving me again, alone, with her gift of the little pebble stones of Heaven. My Heart was still broken by the terrible depression, and it seemed that my Spirits could not be lifted, not even by the little pebble stones of Little Angel Girl of Heaven. Quickly the Golden Angel Girl returned a third time, with more pebble stones, to try to console my Spirit and feed my Heart with Love with her little Pebble Stones of Heaven! Little Golden Angel Girl caressed my Soul with her Spirit of Heaven, trying to bring me out from my miserable blues of a sad depression, with the Gift of God of her little Pebble Stones of Heaven! Little Angel Girl left for me her Pebble Stones of Heaven, and then disappeared from my sight, and never again did I see my Little Angel Girl of Heaven!
During the Apparition of Little Golden Angel Girl I had not paid the appropriate attention to the Wonder Miracle of this unique Demonstration of Love, since at that time, I was not Enlightened by the Miracles of God that I would see a few years later. In addition, my mind was so numbed by the chemicals of depression that I could not fully appreciate the Gifts of Love brought by my Adorable Lovely Little Angel Girl. Today, I cry thousands of Tears of Emotion, as I write this section, when I realize that I did not take back home all the Little Pebble Stones of Heaven that were left for me by the Adorable Little Angel Girl of Heaven! Little Golden Angel Girl had suddenly appeared from nowhere, and without ever saying a word, she disappeared into the nowhere from where she had come from, but leaving for me the memory of her sweet loving Miraculous Angelic Presence in the Spirit of my Heart!
The Apparition of Golden Angel Girl with her Gift of Love of the Little Pebble Stones was a true Manifestation of God. I believe that Golden Angel Girl might have been the Materialization of an Angel of Heaven! Little Angel Girl was either a true Angel of God disguised as a little girl, or this was a human Little Girl disguised as an Angel of Heaven! Either way, my Little Golden Angel Girl was a true Incarnation of the Holy Spirit, sent by the Lord, to Console my Affliction with the Gift of the Love! I do not have a picture to show Little Golden Angel Girl but to give you an idea of this Apparition of Heaven, here a few pictures of my mother as a girl, and my Little Angel Icon showing a Heart of Light with the Symbol of Love that one day consoled my affliction.
Since the Apparition of Little Angel Girl I have lost my depression, but I will never loose in my Heart the loving memory of my love of my Lovely Little Golden Angel Girl! As I write these words, I shed Tears of Emotion, for the little Golden Angel Girl, that gave me so much Love and Consolation, in one of the darkest hours of my life, suffering the abyss of depression! How much I want to love and kiss and hug my beautiful little Golden Angel Girl! I now realize that my little Golden Angel Girl was the sweetest Gift of Heaven, the most loving tender Messenger of God, the most adorable Spirit of a True Incarnation of God, that was Manifest to my Spirit, to Console the pain of my Spirit, with the Heart of Love! God of my Love, please send me your Little Angel Girl, with the Pebble Stones of Heaven, that I may give back the Great Love You gave me, through your little Golden Angel Girl!
Little Pretty Baby with the Smile of Heaven
I was sitting on a side walk of a street in the center of Nijmegen, writing down in my yellow note pad the remarkable Mystic Encounter I had experienced two hours earlier, with the Apparition of the Heart of Light with Our Lady of Nijmegen (CW). My Spirit had been Embraced by the Spirit of the Heart of Light and I was in a sensitized Trance-like State, induced by the Mystic Encounter with the Heart of my Lady.
Many interesting characters were walking down the street, interrupting now and then my autistic writing, absorbed in my Inner World, as I described my Encounter with the Light of the Blessed Virgin. A beautiful 8 year-old girl, dressed-up in a colorful carnival costume, with her beautiful face embellished in beautiful make-up, came close to me, dancing for me, showing me her talents and remarkable beauty. These beautiful Dutch carnival children with their make-up and costumes were the most beautiful vision that this special land of my forefathers had to offer, for even the most attractive colorful birds, in all their splendor, could not match the beauty of these beautiful children of the Beautiful God. Lovely old ladies strolled down the street, in their slow peaceful pace, pushing their carts to purchase fresh produce in the market. A handsome man with two beautiful dogs jogged down the street, and the elegant women in their fashion clothes walking past me further embellished the environment, to inspire me to describe my Close Encounter with my Lady. There was however also the ugly, the nasty, and mean human factor, that contaminated the beautiful scene, to remind me that I was still not in Heaven, but rather in the material cruel sometimes ugly world. A smoking punk with his noisy vicious motorcycle, riding on the sidewalk of the pedestrian street, violated not only the laws of the city, but also the health of my ears. The pot smoking freaks with their blue, purple and green stained hair, accompanied their girl-friends made ugly with their human inflicted body holes, with rings piercing through their noses, tongues and lips, and maybe other intimate parts of their bodies. All these cast of characters of the street gave quite an interesting contrast of the nice and the mean, the pretty and the ugly, the good and the bad, to inspire my thoughts with María and the Angels of God.
I was writing my 35th page of my yellow note pad, and was almost done describing my Vision of the Sacred Heart, when suddenly, I was interrupted by the apparition of a cute little baby, sitting next to me, right in front of me, looking at me straight in the eyes. A young mother with her baby in a carriage had stopped for a moment, right in front of me, and this gave the cute little baby the opportunity to examine me, all of me, with his penetrating look that analyzed the deepest confines of my Soul. The baby was not shy, and kept looking into my Soul, through my eyes which are the windows to the Soul. I responded to the call of the curious pretty baby, fixing my own eyes on the big wide-opened eyes of Little Pretty Baby. I do not have experience with babies, but I felt that Little Pretty Baby was male, and that he was not very much older than 1 year of age. Little Pretty Baby locked his eyes onto mine, and would not let go, while assessing my Spirit, and thus I obeyed his request for the complete attention of my Heart. My curious little guest was looking at me quite serious, and I was also rather serious, for I was still immersed in my thoughts writing about my Vision with a Heart of Light of the Blessed Virgin. The penetrating look of Little Pretty Baby was almost intimidating, but as his carriage began to move away from me, I smiled at the Serious Pretty Baby. I was delighted to see that the Serious Pretty Baby responded to my smile, turning his head around from within his moving carriage, to inspect my inviting friendly smile. Little Pretty Baby was still serious while looking at me, but I insisted to seek his smile, increasing the intensity of my happy friendly smile. When Little Pretty Baby was about 3 meters away from me, he slowly began to give me this sweetest shy baby smile that melted my Heart away. I responded to the shy smile of Pretty Baby with even a bigger happy smile, and quickly Little Pretty Baby responded to my bigger happy smile with a very Big Happy Smile! A great feeling of pleasure invaded my body and my Soul, as I realized the great attention I was receiving from Smiling Pretty Baby, moving slowly away in his carriage, with his head all turned around, and looking at me, while locking his adorable lovely smile on mine! Smiling Pretty Baby was now about 7 meters away from me, looking at my smile, with such a big happy smile, that now he had become Laughing Pretty Baby! The mother did not realize anything of what was at hand, and kept walking away into the crowds, carrying her lovely Laughing Pretty Baby looking at the smile of my Heart. When Happy Pretty Baby was about 10 meters away, I began to wave my hand at Happy Pretty Baby with a happy ‘greeting of goodbye’. The passing crowds were slowly interfering with our smiling eye contact, but with half of his body reclining out from his carriage, to look at me, through the crowds, the Happy Pretty Baby kept his Smiling Eye Contact with me, for our loving farewell greeting of goodbye! As I edit this text, 6 years after my Close Encounter with Little Pretty Baby, I still remember every detail of his adorable smile, and I burst into tears of emotion. Before loosing Little Pretty Baby in the crowds, I increased further the intensity of my waving loving hands, and quickly I became exhilarated, as I saw the little hands of my Lovely Pretty Baby waving back at me, with the friendliest loving Greeting of a Goodbye! Waving Pretty Baby was now about 15 meters away from me, and was still smiling at me, and waving his hand at me, with his Lovely Greeting of Goodbye! Then I lost the sight of my Little Pretty Baby within the multitude of the pedestrian crowd. My Heart was beating to the sound of joy, for this was to me the sweet Gift of God, a Little Pretty Baby that had given me the Grace of Love with the Heart of the Angels of God! The Vision of the Sacred Heart of Light with Our Lady of Nijmegen had been overwhelming, and now I had been caressed by this Angel of God, in Angel Pretty Baby, in what seemed another material Angelic Incarnation of the Holy Spirit of God!
After recovering from my Close Encounter with Little Pretty Baby I continued writing, describing my Mystic Experience in the Chapel of the Blessed Virgin with the Heart of Light of God. About 20 minutes had passed, and I was still sitting in the same place, in the sidewalk of the street, but now I was writing a few words about my lovely encounter with Little Pretty Baby with the Smile of God. Suddenly, and to my greatest delightful surprise, I see this ‘Angel of God’, in front of me, less than 50 cm away from me, I must repeat, 50 centimeters away from me, talking to me sweet things, telling me things in a language I did not understand, in a language that seemed a language of the Angels of God! This ‘Angel with God’, who was right in front of me, talking to me, telling me sweet things I did not understand, was the Messenger of God of this Angelic Encounter with the Holy Spirit of the Lord! The ‘Angel of God’ that was in front of me, talking to me, telling me sweet things, I did not understand, the Messenger of God of the ‘Angelic Encounter’, was no other than Little Pretty Baby with the Smile of Love!
I was writing about my Mystical Encounter with Little Pretty Baby, when suddenly Little Pretty Baby was materialized in front of my eyes! Through the Forces of Synchronicity ascribed to the Spiritual World, the mother of Little Pretty Baby had walked around the full block, and stopped with Little Pretty Baby in his carriage, right in front of me, on this position Chosen by God! Little Pretty Baby interrupted my writing on Little Pretty Baby, by talking to me and telling me things I did not understand! While Little Pretty Baby was telling me sweet things I did not understand, the mother soon realized my presence and asked me if she could borrow for a second my pen to write down a number she did not want to forget. This was a Synchronicity of God, arranged by Angels of God, to suddenly have Little Pretty Baby interrupting my writing on my Spirit Experience with Little Pretty Baby, that minutes earlier had given me this wonderful Close Encounter of a Gift of Love! It seemed that not only Little Pretty Baby, but also the mother of the baby, had become a Target Incarnation of Angelic Intervention, to come up to me, with her baby, that had become a Messenger of God! It is the Holy Spirit of God that becomes Manifest in the Spirit and minds of human beings, especially in little children, that inspire thoughts and decisions for the purpose of a goal and as a Gift of Love for the Soul! How sweet this Gift was for my Soul, to become a Target of Love of a Baby of God in Little Pretty Baby of my Heart!
I talked for a few minutes to the mother of Little Pretty Baby, who was no longer talking to me, but rather was listening to my comments and questions I exchanged with his mother. I inquired about the age and sex of Little Pretty Baby, and the mother confirmed that he was a male and a little over 1 year of age. I told the mother that her little pretty baby was to become some day part of a book about the stories of Angels. After a few minutes, talking with the mother, the Little Pretty Baby got bored of our conversation, and soon started to complain, and show his impatience in a most convincing way, which was screaming unintelligible words to the mother of Screaming Little Baby! This time I understood perfectly well what Screaming Pretty Baby was telling to his mother, and this was to move his carriage, and his life, to his next experience, and target of his Adorable Soul! The mother of the Little Pretty Baby immediately obeyed the orders of Screaming Little Baby, and soon I was left alone, elated in my Heart, with the Spiritual Encounter, with this Angel Pretty Baby, with the Smile of the Love of God!
The screaming baby part I would rather leave to the care of the mother, but the Smiling Part with Little Pretty Baby was a most wonderful memorable Gift of God! Indeed, as I edit the text herein, I shed tears of emotion as I remember the blessing that I had received through this little pretty Angel Incarnation of God! I enclose herein a picture of a nephew of mine, that I had saved in my family photo album, almost 15 years ago, a baby that is making a point, like my Little Pretty Baby. The picture was taken by the father, my brother, and my comment in the photo album was quite appropriate, for the baby is indeed making a point in one of his first public appearance, ten years before the ‘Apparition’ of Little Pretty Baby. I took a picture of the picture of my brother, and this was thus manifest as a Mystical Picture, with a Beautiful Light I do not know from whence it is coming from, and must be a Manifestation of the Angel. One Angel of God opens a Spiritual Door to see another Messenger of God, that leads you to see another Angel of God that opens Spiritual Doors to other Messengers of God of the many Angels of God that lead you to the Heart of the Holy Spirit of God of my Love!